I read an essay in ELLE, in which the author began with describing herself in the past tense: "I was, in no particular order of importance: 26; a journalist; and a total mess, an angry tangle of insecurity and anxiety."
I have been able to describe myself in similar fashion for quite some time. I wouldn't say I'm a mess, particularly, but certainly something along those lines, in a more anti-social, OCD kind of way. An angry tangle of insecurity and anxiety, I certainly am.
This is the first year I have a 9.30 to 6.30 job (if not longer due to the never-ending deadlines) and just like everybody else, I find it a strange concept. I take enjoyment in the little things. That I can be sick off work and still get paid. That I can go on a holiday to Egypt for 10 days and still get paid. That I have money transferred into my account every month, even though it's a lousy amount that will never allow me to buy a dress AND shoes at the end of the month. Also knowing that after 6 months on contract, I can only be fired after a month's notice, instead of 1 week.
But then the downsides: It's not the perfect job. It's not where I want to be. I am a creative person but my work doesn't satisfy me creatively. What we design, I believe, is simply not very pretty, not up to my standards. Basically, I am working for the wrong boss. But the right boss hasn't needed me to join his firm yet. So I am waiting. Waiting for life to happen. I am tired every evening. And I lie down and do nothing.
Despite that, there are all these things in the back of my mind that I want to do once my life begins. But it hasn't begun yet, and all these things in the back of my mind are also waiting. They are things such as: Finishing the book I began writing at university; Making that dress I have been dreaming of; Enter architectural competitions and add more beautiful projects to my portfolio. Instead, they are all waiting until I am finally doing in life what I want to be doing.
A little interlude before we get back on track: My friend C and I were recently de-friended by one of our best friends. An action that came suddenly, out of nowhere and unexplained, to top it off. I know that C and the Ex-Friend have known each other since they were very young, and they had grown apart, which put a strain on our mutual relationship. Meanwhile, I had befriended the Ex-Friend when I first came to London and we went to university together, studying Creative Writing. We lived together, then C came to London and we became great friends too. The Ex-Friend comes from a privileged background and lives in a lovely home in central London with her Mean Sister, paid for by her father, just like her living expenses. She has great talents for writing, filming and music, but her money is the factor that allows her to indulge in these hobbies and develop them into something, possibly, more fruitful in the future. I envy this, as I have worked my way through university and am working now, every single day, to collect a meagre salary while I waste my evenings on the sofa watching films, tired, waiting.
Her time is what I envy. I know it makes her bored, which is why she is forced to fixate on her creative outlet, but it's what I want. The grass is always greener, I will certainly admit to that. She is in a band, and I have always supported her, going to every one of her gigs unless I was working the night shift, even surprising her once at a performance and when necessary, widening my shoulders in an attempt to fill up the nearly-empty venue. I thought I was a good friend, and my relationship with her shouldn't have anything to do with her relationship with C. Although my guess surrounding her reasons for de-friending us, centre around her troubles with accepting their friendship's change, and this must have caused a certain jealousy towards me and C's good relation.
I feel ambivalent regarding her de-friending actions. She blocked C on Facebook one day, and the next week she blocked me. I found out through my housemate, as my activities on Facebook remain extremely limited. C and I were expecting notice of the next cheese and wine party, instead we got this. It was a shallow attempt at evoking a reaction. And we didn't. We didn't react. It didn't deserve one. Were we expected to beg for a sad, remaining friendship? To discuss any issues that did not exist? I wasn't interested. And with that, a friendship ended up on the cutting floor.
Recently, I found out that she has been keeping a blog in which she discusses 'relationships, work and the overall highs and lows in life'. One chapter discusses the shallowness of 'Fakebook' and how she doesn't have time for people who take it too seriously. I have to keep myself from making an anonymous comment to remind herself of her own Fakebook mastery.
Reading her entries inspire only in the sense that she appears to be doing what she wants to do. Which is something to admire in anyone who follows their dreams and seems to be enjoying the journey. That bring me back to me: Am I not doing what I want to be doing? Because I certainly AM. Why do I need the awkwardly revealing, yet ultimately misleading blog of an Ex-Friend to remind myself that I should treasure my journey and keep on fighting for what I want? What am I waiting for? More time? It will never come. The time I spent gaining experience at work, is the time she wastes at home to boredom. If anything, right now is the perfect time to write that book and sew that dress. Right now, I am NOT in the perfect job which is why I should spend my free time progressing, extending my portfolio and succeeding in the other areas that I feel passionate about. I am not the kind of person to just focus on one thing, and now is the time to do exactly that. Move away from the tiredness. Active and fruitful evenings are much more stimulating.
And here's the thing. I know I am a woman of talents and the power to execute them. I know my current situation is only the beginning. I shouldn't need an Ex-Friend to remind me of that. From now on, it will be my own newly-found common sense that will keep me going.
To be continued, so watch this space...
